Stereotypes About Bisexual People

There are a lot of funny stereotypes about bisexual people (that we do peace signs and finger guns a lot and we can’t sit correctly in chairs, etc., all of which, in my experience, are very true), but there are also a lot of more serious, much more harmful ones, like we’re incapable of being faithful and we’re pretending to be bi to attract the attention of men.

As a bisexual woman, over the years I’ve had to unpack many biphobic ideas that I didn’t even know I had, to be honest. I’ve experienced some homophobia from ignorant straight people, but biphobia specifically stings more in my opinion. I think this is mostly because the biphobic comments that I have gotten have come from lesbians and gay men.

DISCLAIMER: Don’t get me wrong; the majority of lesbians and gay men are awesome, and it is an incredibly small minority of lesbians and gay men who are biphobic, but it still needs to be addressed. It’s painful, and for a long time I couldn’t understand where it came from.

So, what is biphobia? It is stereotypes, prejudice, and general dislike of bisexual individuals. Obviously, stereotypes about a community lead to a lot of harm. After reading this article you are going to know what these assumptions are and why are they so harmful (beyond just being plain mean)?

 

“Bisexual people are more prone to cheating”:

 

No, we’re actually not “more prone” to cheating. Let’s say for argument’s sake that I understand the logic: more fish in the sea, more to choose from. And let’s even go so far as to say that a straight man might say that a bisexual woman might want something she’s attracted to/desires but doesn’t currently have (a same-sex relationship, sex with a woman, etc.). Even still, cheating itself comes from lack of connection in the relationship, bad communication, low self-esteem, commitment issues, and a litany of other reasons that all have nothing to do with the person’s sexual orientation. If you think that a bisexual person is more likely to cheat on you, then you have unresolved biphobia and abandonment issues.

Many people are also under the impression that bisexual people always want to or “need” to be in a polyamorous and/or open relationship in order to feel fulfilled emotionally and sexually, which could be true for some people regardless of sexual identity, but not for all. (Not that there is anything wrong with an open relationship and polyamory as long as all parties involved are communicating well about their wants, needs, and boundaries and are all being safe.) There are plenty of bisexual people who prefer monogamy, and just because you’re a lesbian who’s dating another lesbian or a straight girl who’s dating a straight man, that doesn’t mean your partner isn’t going to want a non-monogamous relationship; it’s not exclusive to sexual orientation.

Most Common Bisexuality Stereotypes: 

1) “Bisexual people are greedy”

 

If a gay person is saying this, I just need you to think for a moment about the “Love is Love” movement. What was one of our biggest defenses of same-sex marriage and gay people generally getting rights in America? That we can’t help it. We can’t change; we can’t help who we are attracted to, and if it’s between consenting adults, what does it matter anyway? That was a big argument for people being homophobic; it still is. Why can’t that logic apply to bisexual people? We can’t help who we’re attracted to. We really can’t change it any more than a gay man can stop being attracted to men. It’s unnatural for a bisexual person who is attracted to men and women to try to force themselves to not be attracted to both men and women.

 

2)  “How can you know you’re bi when you’ve never had sex with (whichever gender)?”

I would really hope that before you have sex with someone, kiss them, or even ask them out, you know that you’re probably attracted to them. A good indicator is if you have the feeling, especially repeatedly, that you want to kiss that person or have sex with them, then you’re probably sexually attracted to them in some way. There are plenty of people that I know that came out as gay at a very young age, and do you think all of those people figured it out by having sex and then deciding after the fact? Do you think straight people just start with sex off the bat and then decide later if they’re “officially straight”? No. The attraction comes before the sex.

 

3) “Bisexual people are promiscuous”

This causes an array of issues. One of those issues is that it leads people to think that bisexual people are insatiable and therefore incapable of monogamy. It also leads people to see us as sexual creatures and nothing more, as though all we want is casual sex and not companionship, commitment, and genuine love. Two things can exist at once: there are plenty of bisexual people who want, seek out, and get casual sex. But there are also plenty of straight people and gay people who do that as well, not just bisexual people. This causes us to sometimes be treated less than human, being oversexualized because of the stereotype that we’re always down for sex with basically anyone. Personally, I’ve dated people who have made me feel like I am only there for sex and to discuss his weird fantasies of threesomes with other women he found hot. It was disgusting. There are even more very painful ramifications for this, such as the fact that according to the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey in 2016, around 41% of straight women experience sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner compared to 44% of lesbians and 61% of bisexual women. There is even a difference between the amount of gay, straight, and bisexual men, as 26% of gay men, 29% of straight men, and 37% of bisexual men experience rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner (citation from the CDC). It isn’t random that if people view bisexual people as “easier” and more sexually free and that bisexual people are more likely to be raped and assaulted. I believe that a big reason for this is because our society perpetuates this idea that certain people, mostly men, are owed sex and that if someone is sexually empowered, then it is easier to get sex from them. Especially when it can be explained away as “They’re bisexual, so they must have wanted it.” which feels awfully similar to “She dresses provocatively, so she was asking for it.” neither of which are true.

 

4) “Bisexual women are tainted if they’ve slept with a man”

This comment mostly comes from lesbians, and it is incredibly confusing and painful. Aren’t queer women in general supposed to protect and understand each other on a female empowerment level and also on a sexuality level? Aren’t we supposed to be kind to one another? I understand people have preferences; if you don’t want to date a bisexual person, that’s great because I don’t want to date an ignorant person, but don’t say that dating or sleeping with a man somehow “ruins” me as a queer woman because 1) I don’t appreciate my worth being based on my sexual or romantic history, and 2) I really don’t appreciate my worth being dictated in any way by a man. Nothing is “ruined” by a bisexual woman sleeping with a man and then dating a lesbian. Would it be alright for a gay man to say that another gay man is “ruined” because when he was resisting his sexual orientation, he slept with a woman? No, so why is it alright to say that bisexual women are tarnished for sleeping with the opposite sex? It’s not alright.

 

5) It’s easier to come out as bisexual than it is to come out as gay or lesbian

I am aware that I may be slightly biased, but my own experience in coming out wasn’t easy, nor was it always loving and understanding. I was told I was too young to know my sexual orientation, it was a phase, I was just confused, I was saying it for attention, that I couldn’t possibly know because I had never had sex with a woman, amongst other things. I had frequent panic attacks about going to hell and cried when I tried to tell my mom (who was incredibly loving and supportive). I was also told that my girlfriend was just my “really good friend” and that it’s impossible for a woman to have sex with another woman (there were a ton of comments about my nonexistent sex life; it was really gross). I understand that I have the privilege of being able to hide being part of the queer community because I, a cisgender woman, may end up in a long-term relationship with a man. There is a literal safety in passing as straight, but to undermine an entire group of people’s experiences and say that we don’t experience pain as a result of ignorance regarding our sexual orientations is heartbreaking.

 

Bisexual men vs. bisexual women:

Bisexual women are primarily told that it’s a phase because we are trying to experiment and seem more appealing to men. Bisexual men are primarily told that they’re really just gay. Both of those statements are centering men and thus erasing the fact that bisexuality is a real sexual orientation on its own. No, not all bisexual people are just experimenting or going through a phase. Many people actually are just attracted to more than one gender. I think part of the reason people find it difficult to understand being attracted to more than one gender is because they view men and women very differently. That’s understandable if you are a straight man and only view women in a romantic and sexual way but never men, so it’s foreign to you. However, think of it like someone who likes both the summer and the winter. Those two seasons tend to be polar opposites in terms of what people wear, what activities are commonly done, what holidays occur, etc., but you can enjoy both seasons equally. (Also, I think that men and women are much more similar than our society likes to let on, but that’s a different topic entirely).

 

And contrary to popular belief, it is perfectly okay to experiment as long as whoever you are with knows that you’re either just having fun or trying to explore your sexuality, is comfortable with that, and everyone is giving informed, enthusiastic consent to whatever is going on (and you’re being safe).

 

So, that is a brief rundown on some common biphobic comments I have heard or that have been said to me and why I know them to be untrue. A lot of the reason they are untrue is because they are stereotypes, and trying to use broad statements to describe an entire community of people is incorrect and tends to be hurtful more often than not.

I hope that this is a little jumping pad for some people to unpack some stereotypes that they held about bisexual people, whether it be a parent of a child who came out as bisexual, a straight person who has biphobic attitudes, a gay person who is trying to be a better ally to a bisexual friend, or a bisexual person trying to undo some internalized self-hatred.